In most of the marriages sexual arena becomes a source of confilict. a confilict widely experienced but seldom voiced by couples as it is suppored to be a secret and may a sign of inefficacy.
during marriage, secual adjustment is a vital point. it requries commitment, caring and practice. it takes a concerted effort on the part of boththe partners to bring sexual feelings and preferences out into the open.
True, no relationship oan sustain the electricity of honeymoon period but a lot of personal and interpersonal work is required in the post honeymoon phase. Each person needs to take responsibility to supplement their relationship with mutual friendship, respect and caring. Both partners can embark on a self and mutual discovery of sexual feelings, choices, preferences. It can be a fun journey if a couple plans ahead, keeps upgrading and realizes that there will be ebb and flow throughout their lives. Here are a few pointers a couple can use and d~velop their own, over time.
Pre-Marital Planning
With increasing moder~zation, men and women are now allowed to meet during the courtship period prior to marriage. More and more people are choosing their own partners these days. So the climate is open. The "talking" can begin "now". A more sensible step would be to visit a trusted gynaecologist or a sexologist, who will definitely orient them towards facts of life and explode some of the sexual myths. The queen of myths is "first night penetration". Its release will save lot of hurt and panic. A counsellor can direct the couple regarding the available contraceptives, its merits and demerits. So often the women ... get into trouble by self prescribed oral pills,
which have to be taken under strictly instructed condition. A woman with a history of depression, migraine or tension headaches should not even touch these. The doctor will definitely be in a better position to point out its side effects (nausea, gastro-intestinal ' disturbance, weight gains) and deal with them if necessary, as and when they arise. Or the counsellor can point alternative forms of contraceptives and general pointers to your sexual health and hygiene.
Patience with the-First Few Encounters Even if the. first step is skipped, acknowledge and know the fact that first few encounters will be inconvenient, messy, cumbersome, embarrassing, untidy, irritable and on quite a few occasions - even painful. Each person so far has a different identify and a body which is experiencing new feelings for a man, penetration will be a bit difficult; and for a woman a lot more painful.
The climate of intimacy and closeness that surrounds the sexual contact leaves each one of the spouse vulnerable. Its here that most of the problems begin. Lack of patience on either side ignites anxiety, inadequacy and avoidance. The true challenge is in this period. Each partner begins realizing what they like, how they like it and what their reactions are to the used contraceptives.
The Trap of Blame, Criticism and Anger
Each one of us remembers negative comments more often than positive comments, especially so in a sexual relationship. Any negative remark on one's performance can begin the vicious circle. If a particular lovemaking episode has gone haywire, do not be quick to blame or criticize,
instead just explore what happened. Wait for an appropriate time to disclose or discuss your problem and feelings.
Be Supportive
If you want a change, point out beforehand or later. Being sharp or constructive might cool off the ardour a little bit, especially during the course of lovemaking. If one blames "You didn't give me enough Each one of time" or criticize "You don't know remembers what to do" the reaction is counter negative comments blame and criticism and off go two mo~e. often than loving individuals with anger. Put- posltt~e comm~nts, downs and labels like 'frigid, especIally inexperienced, cold, demanding, sexual relattonshlp. brute, selfish' just serve in freezing up of the spouses. The more one puts each other down more they withdraw from each other or become selfish in taking only their needs into account. Blaming, criticizing, withdrawing will only worsen a problem. Any spouses who force their partners into indulging in sexual practices of their own preference which might be painful or aversive, will put them off no matter how expert they are at the art.
Observe and Educate Yourself
As the routine life starts, sexual excitement abates. With the advent of children or in-laws or work around couples definitely shift into different roles. And if gaps have been created, they worsen as time goes by. Often affectionate gestures of kissing, cuddling and touching start missing. Certain marriages totally. start going into the full fledged act without any grooming or ,foreplay. Spouses neglect hygiene at times which repels the other spouse. And the natural comment "We don't enjoy sex anymore" or "Its become mechanical" .
When this happens its time to know where things are going wrong. Are you constantly criticizing each other? Are you too busy or tired and just not in mood Also there is a need for self introspection "What parts of your body are more receptive? What time is your special or favourite time?
Which particular position gives you :maximum satisfaction? Are you overly worried about the climax? What you would like your spouse to wear, do or say? Do you look tired or energetic while conveying intention?" Spend some time knowing yourself, upgrading your needs which are sane and which have changed? Each one of us have a "love map" of our won, wherein we have fantasies, scenarios built that make us feel receptive, certain things or objects could relax and. make you responsive. Observe and become aware of these and possibly share it with your partner to help him/her know you better.
Communicate
The most difficult part of all. How to tell!! First know whether your pride stops you or fear of rejection! If your mind set says "Why should I? Its pride. If its "What would he/she say?" or "He/She will get angry" its your fear of rejection. If its pride, throw it away, if its rejection fear, one needs some help.One proven technique is to write it down in form of a letter. We feel letters are for courtship or when one is away. But constant writing to each other will clear off lot of issues while saving face and not withdrawing into anger, sulking or hurt. Feedback - written, verbal and non-verbal is. another effective tool. If change is needed, phrase it so that your spouse can use it. "Touch me softly there" instead of "You are so harsh, you hurt me!" If your partner makes appropriate changes, show your pleasure with words and action and smiles.
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